i just want to say that ive been sorta busy…with school of course…and life ….

things have been pretty good for me…for the most part…i guess im dealing with the same things i normally deal with in a sorta different way….i think its kinda different though in a sense that i can say i dont really want what i was trying for long to have ….. like

i do have feelings there for that person …. he still means alot to me …we have a lot of history…. but whenever i think of that stuff…. then i think of everything ive been through… when i get sorta down in the dumps …somehow i get a swift slap in the face…and i just sorta start crying ….not because im hurt but becasue i feel like im finally letting go …. i was on here today just reading my last blogs and it also reminds me of all the poopy stuff ive gone through… 

that i dont deserve any of this…… 

and i want to say …i think im finally getting stronger….one day this will all pass and ill be happy …for once …

anyways….

7 more months till im done with school….

whats to come of the future :))

so true… which is kinda really sad

(Source: leilockheart)

(Source: brotips)

yup …soo what happens when i dont blog for a minute is that i get stuck on that ride …and apparently cant get off… but ive also been busy with school….

but to change the subject basically for the first time ever…. each time being in clinical i guess i get a little more and more excited taht one day ill be a respiratory therapist….aannnnnyways …..let me just please get through this semester and hopefully everything is downhill….hopefully supposedly

anyways back to what i normally write….(haha :/)

as im sitting here trying to make myself study….i started really thinking 

and realized that some people are just a bit selfish ….last last weekend we went to vegas …and lets just say i think he has alot of pent up anger towards me because he was quiet honestly …rude… and what made things worse was that we were both drinking …to make a long story short … i started thinking …. if i cant enjoy myself out with you …on a mini vacay sorta little thing… doesnt this show me qualities and traits i dont want in the future… i guess ive just been evaluating things i want and feel like i deserve…and everything i basically dont get from you…

i try to be understanding…fun … i hold my tongue ….and yet i think all i see is your selfish-ness ….and empty words….i wanted to say promises but youve never really promised me…

i struggle with my mind thinking everything that i think …. it kinda sucks that i basically make myself depreseed …. and as i look at the time …. and see it sorta slipping …i just sorta ponder more….

i think i pass up great opportunities or fuck up good shit because of my involvement with you ….all the times that i thought i got stronger… better… growth in myself… all of what i thought what was happening… 

i just take a step back …or maybe two steps back… because honestly i think im literally and figuratively setting myself up for failure…one way or another … im not getting growth …. im becoming weaker…. now i have insecurities…and probably a horrible attitude towards not tolerating things  ….

i just want to say to the next guy i date…

i hope you are patient because i think i messed myself up pretty bad :((

things are for the most part good… lets not jinx it though…

seeing whats to come…

but keeping that wall up…

and trying a different attitude….

lets see how it goes

leilockheart:

http://factsaboutyou.tumblr.com

(Source: leilockheart)

and i get confused… but i guess all i can really do is just keep trying to move on… 

:((

sigh….

i just wanted one thing…. but each day it slips a bit farther and farther away….like a bit more and more unattainable

i dont know….

or well actually i do know ….

and the hardest part about moving on…

i guess is just the hurting …

i wish it would just all go away already  

Done and over with….and off to the next holiday I guess

this weekend was a big eye opener…

and lets just say my eyes stung for sure… 

i cant focus… and im just upset

and tomorrow of all days… valentines day… another holiday ruined once again by….

you

im trying to go on a different path…flipping through new people.. sorta i guess pushing myself out there….and sadly 

when i look back at all of it

i dont want to do any of that… i just want to curl up in a ball…till im done feeling like this …. till i can actually have you completely off my mind…till im done hurting … till your nothing but a horrible memory….

i hope tomorrow goes ok…. im done with this ride ….

and i have a test and quiz tomorrow…on that note… fml….

stupid valentines day

wow… that kinda sorta summarizes what ive been doing

(Source: leilockheart, via leilockheart)